Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Don't Believe in Yesterday

“Been on another level, since you came...”
He waits; that's what he does. But sometimes that isn't enough. I have recently finished reading The Great Gatsby, and in the book there's a phrase stating that 'there are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.' I'm tired. I'm tired of pursuing. I'm tired of the lies and I'm tired of waiting for opportunities because recently it's felt like I'm in 50 First Dates (2000). The mistake I made was to believe there was a chance. Don't blame it on me because you wanted to have fun. Who can you trust? Ladies and gentlemen, this is me expressing my loneliness. Kiss me hard before you go, because it might be the last time. The lies have created a fabricated reality, providing the blissful ignorance of illusion. Take the blue pill and the story ends, you wake up in his bed and believe whatever you want to believe!

Summer had come and passed, the innocent can never last. I attended a festival in September and afterwards we became close friends. I spoke to her frequently and one night in October we ended up together. I had started the final year at university, pressure was overwhelming, relationship was lying on the cold hard ground and the ascent from depth should have led to the bends. I thought my partner was overreacting. By the time her mother intervened the tension had reached a crescendo. I should have listened, because when she reached out it was already too late. There was no subject, but I will never forget the words. I decided to tell her everything when she returned to Leeds. Honesty is supposed to be a virtue but no one wants to hear the truth. She was nervous and I could feel how vulnerable she was when we embraced. I broke her heart that night. Rather she hear what happened in my words, than someone who might not be as intimately involved. I wouldn't have been able to pursue the relationship. The guilt would have been unbearable and I would have placed our mutual friends in a position.

It's unfortunate that I have become the other person. It's three in the morning and I'm trying to change your mind. Drunk in love? It seems you only want to know when you're high! I'm disappointed but it's provided a valuable insight. I now understand what it feels like to be on the outside looking in on the situation. Running through the streets; buying oregano; or writing about the experience. There's always someone with a reason...