Monday, January 29, 2007

I don't believe in labels


Today was tough, when someone dies you expect them to have lived through their 'innings' having gone through all the experiences of life. Life is tough and it throws many obstacles in your way but when you lose someone close to you it's very difficult. Especially when that someone is a close friend, a sister, a daughter. Went to my friends funeral today and it felt sad knowing that I was once in a relatonship with this girl. Knowing that she once told me that she loved me made me feel kind of hollow. Listening to the words of her sisters paying tribute to her and then the words of her father made me break. When I went to my Grandads funeral before it was tough standing on my own and this happened to be another time I was left to my own emotions.


My childrens mum said that she would wait for me outside but she didn't and I had to stand in an aisle to myself. I think I am quite a strong character but in a funeral all sorts of perspective is thrown into context. For example in this case that of losing a sibling and also that of a child. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children and for me that was tough. I just needed someone beside me to hold my hand and squeeze it. Even my worst enemy would have down but if there is a God and a heaven I think I drew the strength from my friend. Okay so I am a very emotional person but whatever as I am writing how I feel not looking for sympathy.

Everything I felt went well, the tributes were a mixture of the pain felt and the laughs that she brought in her life. The wake was good and it really felt like a celebration of her life and when I eventually go I don't want one person to cry as it's not about that. When me and my friend eventually left we went to her father to say our condolences. I tried writing in the book beforehand but after a few drinks writing becomes impossible as does making sense so no idea what I managed to put together. Anyway, I felt that no matter what words I said to the father would matter so I just held him tight and kissed him to let him know how I felt.

Life can be long but also taken so suddenly, it's tough to know what is right and wrong and what direction to take but as long as you live how you want then that's all that matters. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't let those that judge get you down. I know I am not so mines a double vodka redbull and a shot of sambuca and also what's my favourite song again...

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